Brooklyn was 9 months old when we got the long-awaited call from the geneticist. I remember the day so clearly, because it was also my oldest daughter’s very first day of kindergarten. Life is like that, isn’t it? Layered with joy, wonder, new experiences, disappointment, and loss – all in one breath. On that day as we celebrated with our 5-year-old and her new accomplishments, we also mourned as we discovered our third and youngest little girl would be forever impacted by a disease that, up until that moment, we had never heard of.

HOW DO YOU COPE IN MINISTRY WHILE RAISING A CHILD WITH SPECIAL NEEDS?
We don’t claim to be experts, but here are a few things my husband and I have learned over the past ten years.

• SEE THE BEST IN THOSE WHO LOVE YOU

When Brooklyn was first diagnosed, it was a difficult season for both my husband and me. We questioned God, we grieved, and we did our best to navigate this new world of doctors, therapists, and testing. Looking back, I realize we weren’t the only ones having to navigate the unknown. Our church family didn’t know what to do or what to say to comfort us. They did their best, but we were often met with well-intentioned comments or prayers that were hurtful. We had to learn to see the best in others, and to extend grace, even when the people we loved did or said something that was unintentionally hurtful or misguided. Remember they are learning how to support you through your journey. 

• BE CREATIVE

Your child might not fit the “Kids Church” model you have in place. Pray and ask God to give you creative solutions!
Over the years, Brooklyn has attended church:

• in a medical stroller
  
• in the preschool room even when she was the oldest child in the room
  
• with the help of a special sensory room
  
• with a one-on-one buddy
  
• with a paid caregiver
  
• and there are many weeks she hasn’t attended at all.

 As full-time pastors, one of our most difficult challenges has been learning how to pastor on a Sunday morning while caring for a child with special needs. There are some seasons where one solution worked for a while. And then it didn’t anymore, and we had to be flexible and change things up.
For us personally, in this season, Brooklyns’ needs are too challenging for a volunteer to handle. So, she either stays home with a paid caregiver, or comes to church with her caregiver. Brooklyn is 100% my ministry and my life during the week. For the few hours we are at church, these creative options allow us to focus on the task at hand. This might not be the case for you but be free to find creative solutions for the season you are in with your family and church. Remember your family is important, AND your church is important. I believe God will give you the wisdom to balance both, if that’s what you are called to!

• STAY CONNECTED WITH OTHERS

It is likely there is no one in your church that knows what it is like to be in your shoes. Raising a child with special needs is truly a journey you must walk through to understand. Be intentional about finding someone else who understands. I have discovered some amazing online groups and have been able to connect with parents of children who attend the same school that Brooklyn attends. I also have great friends who are parents of typical kids who love Jesus and are there to listen and pray for me. You need both!
If you need a listening ear and don’t know who to turn to, I will return every text, phone call, or email I receive at [email protected], 765-430-6095. You are not alone! 

How do we retire from serving the Lord who has called us into ministry? 
After 45 years pastoring churches in New England and New York state, we shut the church door and drove away. 
 It is easy to feel forgotten when we retire.
 
The hard part is NOT being the pastor’s wife, not having the fellowship, not involved in the women’s ministries, the day-to-day operations of the church, or having friends in the church, OUR church.
 
We now attend Faith Church, in Rochester, NY, where our daughter and son-in-law, Darla and Steve Edlin pastor.  In the past I was introduced as “This is our Pastor David’s wife.” Now it’s “This is Pastor Darla’s mother.”  Sometimes it’s an honor and sometimes I wish simply to be known by my name- Elsa. I learned to spell it as a child when everyone called me Elsie. It irritated me then that people got it wrong. Yet it’s in those times I remember: My name is written in God’s Book of Life. He knows my name and all that it holds. He also knows my whole journey and where I’m at now. 

So with the feelings of loss in our ministry role, how can we manage the transitions toward retirement?
Use the talents/giftings the Lord has given you - For the past 14 years, my husband, David, and I have traveled a new journey.

• David is passionate about the message of Bible prophecy being fulfilled in the present time.  I, as the title of ‘pastors’ wife’ am now the traveling companion, helping with the sale of our books and giving a personal testimony in churches.
• We both lead a small group at church.
• I love quilting and teaching hand piecing and hand quilting in my small group of sixteen women of all ages.

So, in retirement, continue to use those talents the Lord gave you. They will look differently than the church setting, yet this new season brings new opportunities.

•  Continue to get out there.
• We may not have money for a lot of traveling, but we can do small trips locally. 
• Read, write, exercise, take walks
• Be involved in your church seniors’ gatherings
• Connect with your community.
• Don’t just sit and remember all the old days or go over the hurts and blessings but instead get up and move.

 
Leave a legacy - I admonish women to be busy blessing others. I give a neighbor family pasta sauce when I make it once a month. Find creative ways to share God’s love. The world still needs a Savior, and YOU may be the one to share that word of encouragement or act of love with them in their day.

• Bake a cake for a neighbor or someone in need.
• Call someone and give them an encouraging word.
• Pray with them.
• Visit someone in a nursing home or hospital
• Smile and share a kind word with a waitress/clerk and tell them you appreciate their service.
• Invite someone over for dinner or meet them for lunch

 
Be an intercessor – During our busy days of practical ministry needs being met, we didn’t always have time for deep intercession. This is a great time in our lives to be intercessors. We have time to pray and encourage those in need. 

A large looming question many ministry women have is “Should a Pastor invite parishioners over to their home?”
I was asked that question while on a women’s ministry panel.
My 30 second response time brought out the quick answer of “Absolutely!”
Which in hindsight was possibly very discouraging to the one who asked the question.
My quick answer possibly annihilated and set her precious heart even more on edge with a sense of obligation and dread in having to open her home.  And in that way, my heart hurts for her.
If I could roll back the clock and answer that question again my answer would be softer, kinder and more grace filled.
If I could sit down with that sweet friend over a cup of coffee I would listen better and hear her story.
I understand not everyone is ready to open up their home and let others in. I get that.

Our homes are a vulnerable part of us. It’s where we’re real. It’s where we throw our socks down and pile dirty dishes in the sink. This is where others see the me, we and us of our family. It can be scary and intimidating to open up our homes and invite others in.

My hubby and I have lived with our home doors pretty open. This hasn’t come without judgement, criticism and even sometimes unkind words thrown in our direction. So, I understand where fear of opening up can be scary. On the flip side, we have many wonderful experiences of friendship, laughter and deep relationship building because we opened our doors to others.
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Here’s what I’ve learned from practicing hospitality.
1.  No need for perfection– Two things happen when we strive for this standard.

•  We place stress on ourselves and our family.
•  We may stress our guests if they feel tension in the air from our own family stress.      

Our guests will feel more at ease when we are at ease and comfortable in our own space.

2. Serve a family favorite meal. – This I have learned the hard way. I’ve tried new recipes out on guests, and they’ve flopped. I’ve tried to impress, and it doesn’t bode well for me. So instead, I stick with the tried and true. I prepare food my family loves and have prepared often. I’m comfortable in making it and I know my family will eat it!
 
3. Opening our home opens a door of conversation – Our homes invite others to see what’s important to us.

• It’s framed pictures on the wall that hold stories of those we love.
• It’s sitting around a common table and passing food as we serve each other.
• It’s letting others see us where we’re comfortable.

The word hospitality means making friends and family out of strangers. This can come in all sorts of way.

• Barbecuing in the backyard
• Sipping lemonade on the porch
• Asking guests if they have a favorite food item they'd like to share
• Ordering in food and hanging out

 Remember it’s not about perfection, it’s about living real in our homes. 

If the only time people in our congregations see us is on Sunday mornings, they get a false impression of how we live. They see us only in our dressed-up Sunday smiles with our handshake/hug greetings.  Opening our home invites others to see us in our living space, they see a bit of our real life and how we live.
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In ministry, we are called to journey with others through life. We live through job losses and transitions, weddings and divorce, baby beginnings and saying good-bye to loved ones. It’s a journey of life together. 
Yet it’s hard to journey with others if we only travel together on Sunday mornings.
We can preach how to live on Sunday mornings but when we invite them into our homes, we’re showing how to live Jesus in our everyday lives.
My home is where I live real with my kids… live real with my spouse and live real with socks on the floor and food on the table.
This is how our lives show Jesus in our everyday world.

Opening our homes to others is about sharing time with them in the living room of our lives. Our feet rest casually on the coffee table, and we share stories and thoughts without interruption from a waitress or the noise of the restaurant. We simply enjoy the company of others and share our lives together.

As Pastors are we required to have parishioners in our home? ABSOLUTELY NOT!
Do I think it’s a great way of inviting others in and living real with those we journey alongside? ABSOLUTELY!
We’re not called to live in a perfect house or be a perfect hostess. Instead, we invite others to live real with us as we journey life together.

Questions to consider:

• How do I feel about having people into my home?
  
• What scares me the most about inviting others in?
  
• What small steps can I take in inviting others over?

Jump into the conversation:

• What are your favorite ways of hosting others?
• What funny things have happened to you while hosting?
• What good things have you learned through opening your home to others?