Life-Giving Relationships

Written by Rachel Quigley

Ministry life puts us in the people business. People are messy and sometimes their mess and our mess together make our lives a little muddled. We might think, I would love the ministry if it wasn’t for people. Yet, God calls us to love, serve, and journey with others. Some days that’s the good life and other days it’s not so easy. People can hurt us through their actions and words AND in our humanness, we can hurt them as well.

​God made us out of relationship for relationship. In our search for wholeness, we can’t live whole alone. Relationships are essential for wholeness. In the beginning, Adam had a relationship with God and Adam had purpose. Yet God said that’s not enough. Adam needed another to journey with him.
We need others in our lives.  We were created to need others in our lives and for healthy relationship. We are needy individuals, and sometimes we don’t like to admit that simple truth.

​In our culture today, we are encouraged to be independent, strong, and competent in our own strength.
When I was young, I loved baking cookies. There were times during my baking adventures when I’d run short on 

ingredients. I’d be out of sugar, or vanilla, or one egg short.  Mom would say, Run next door to Mrs. Rodger’s house and ask to borrow what you need.  When I was all done baking, Mom would again say, "Take some cookies over to Mrs. Rodgers and share with her since she shared with you."  With my cookies on a pretty plate, I would head over to Mrs. Rodgers. This was part of the process and a true gift of relationship.  I loved baking, and Mrs. Rodgers enjoyed the company of the little girl next door.​

Nowadays, if we bake and find ourselves short an egg, sugar, or flour, we don’t typically go next door but instead we Instacart, run to the store, or text someone to stop by the store on their way home.  We’ve lost that interdependent community of needing and connecting with those near us --- our community.
God created us for relationships but in today’s world we find ourselves alone and not connected in healthy, life-giving community circles and friendships. 

Author Jennie Allen shares some great ideas and insights in building community in her book, Find Your People.  Below are some ideas she shares:
       Proximity – Who is around you?

•   Who do I connect with for support and healthy relationships? Hebrews 10:24-25 reminds us, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together.”
• How can I create a gathering place to connect with others? (front porch, back deck, park bench, coffee shop)
• What is the barrier keeping me from connection? (busyness, past hurt) 

 
Transparency – Have an open door 
Everyone doesn’t need to know our business and we don’t need to share everything however we can practice healthy levels of transparency and live in authentic relationship with others.

•  To obtain deep relationships we risk experiencing pain. Yet connections and healthy relationships provide support and help us through life and ministry.
• A barrier to transparency is often pain or shame.  Adam and Eve experienced shame and pain. They chose to hide yet God's desire is right relationship with Him and with others.

 

       Accountability – Iron Sharpens Iron

• Who have you given permission to speak into your life?    When teaching on mentorship, Beth Grant shares the story of The Circle Around Me. It’s like a clock face with myself standing in the center. At numbers 11 and 1 are two people ahead of me on the life journey. I can learn from them. At numbers 9 and 3 are two walking beside me in the same season of life and ministry. At 7 and 5 are two younger in life or ministry experience. I can connect and learn from them and I can pour into them as well. ¨ Who is in your circle around you?
• Barrier to accountability can be pride – Tim Keller shares, “Our sin is worse than we imagine. AND the grace of God is bigger and better than we can imagine.” Allowing ourselves to be accountable to others can sharpen our skills along with bringing clarity and focus to our lives.

 

Shared Purpose—Connecting together creates bonds

•  Inviting others to do life with us increases productivity, joy, and community. These are opportunities to become deeper disciples of Jesus together.
• Barriers to this can be keeping connections at a surface level with small talk and shallow conversations.  Give yourself the gift of connecting with others on a deeper level.

 

Consistency– Choose to stay when days are difficult

• Every relationship encounters conflict. Learn to have healthy conflicts.

              Assume the best.
              Keep short accounts.
              Be quick to apologize.
              Aim to be a peacemaker.

• Manage relationships well – Some relationships are unhealthy and need evaluation. Our culture tells us, If things are inconvenient or difficult, it’s okay to leave and find something else --- you deserve to be happy. Yet sometimes God leads us through the hurt to bring us to health.  We can sometimes self-protect, blame, pull back or even walk away. Yet at other times, God calls us to fight for the relationship and grow through it.  Some questions to consider:

1. What can we remedy?
   
2. If not redeemable, how can we manage regret?
   
3. What do I need to release?

 
Consistency is clocking hours together over years. Those kinds of relationships and communities bring great rewards. Those relationships, though difficult at times, produce life giving, life journeying friends and community.