What I Hoped For ~He Did
To say I was nervous is an understatement. Could we really be boarding a plane for the windy city?
So much had happened within the last few months. We found out our mother had suffered a stroke in the Fall and had been hospitalized for a few weeks. She was learning to walk again, was frail and her speech was still a little slurred. Our brother, Tony, had kept us informed and we were so grateful. At this point, she still did not know that Tony (my half-brother), Kelly (my brother), and myself had met for the first time ever in August 2021. Mom had not only suffered a stroke but was entering her fifth year with dementia. It was something she had kept to herself until her health issues brought it all to light. Her short-term memory was struggling.
As siblings we began talking about getting together again. Tony wanted us to visit his home in Chicago, meet his family and stay with them. Tony spoke with Mom’s husband and discovered he was unaware of my brother, Kelly and I, as well. We were a shock to him. He is a sweet man who loves his wife dearly. He was concerned for what this might do to her. It wasn’t looking good for us to meet.
My husband, Warren, and I had air credit miles, and our tickets were ready. So were my brother, Kelly, and his wife. We had poured over old photos—- some of us as babies, and the memories were filling us with excitement and nervousness.
Just 10 days before our visit, Tony bravely told Mom he knew about us. I couldn’t believe it! He could tell she still remembered. Mom was upset and clammed right up. It was such a long time ago and she refused to talk about it. Tony was devastated and wondered if we were still coming.
After crying together and reassuring him, we continued with our plans.
It’s one thing to meet in a neutral space and spend time together but to stay right at our newfound brother’s home made me incredibly nervous. He and his wife went to a lot of work to make us feel right at home. We had a wonderful couple of days meeting our nephew and going out to eat and, of course, touring a bit of the city. Our nervousness evaporated as we picked up right where we left off in August of 2021. There was no mistaking us as siblings and now family.
Mom and her husband lived only two miles from Tony. Unknown to us, a few pictures were being sent to them from Tony’s wife; followed by a few questions. We were only staying for a four-day weekend trip. But on Sunday, as we were relaxing and talking about our plans for the day, we got word Mom had changed her mind! We quickly piled into the van and rushed over to her house! Stunned silence and suspense hung in the air as we made that short trip.
As we pulled into the driveway, Mom and her sweet hubby, waited at the front doorway. As we entered their home, it felt surreal. Mom reached up to me and whispered, “My sweet Tammy, my baby.” She began to cry. Mom was a perfect fit in my arms.
Next, she greeted my brother, Kelly. Reaching up and patting his cheek, he totally lost it. He told us later he had dreamt of her doing that very thing.
I looked around. All our spouses were crying and taking pictures. Mom kept saying, “Ron, look at my babies; they are my babies.” She became so emotional she could only cry among all the kisses. There was such a sweet spirit of love, grace and redemption that filled the room and our hearts.
It was a short visit but one of three we had before heading back to NY. As we got back in the van, Tony lost it and so did we. If he hadn’t been persistent and willing to bring a long-time family secret to light, this meeting wouldn’t have happened. I truly believe God orchestrated this whole thing!
Decisions were made by adults who loved us, and those decisions not only affected us as children but continue to have impact on us as adults, as spouses, and now as parents ourselves.
From nightmares as a child, to being an overachiever as a teen to being driven to have value and worth as an adult.
As I child I didn’t realize those effects but looking back I now see that when our family was torn apart, I went through the 5 stages of grief. Denial (trying to make sense of a senseless situation), anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.
I had thought of suicide. I had chip on my shoulder, and I had a need to prove myself. At 16 I gave my heart to Jesus and began a relationship with Him. That decision was life changing and the best decision I ever made. God is so good and faithful.
Through the chapters of my life, from getting married, becoming a mom, and growing in my faith, He has been there. God has been patiently and lovingly peeling back the layers of my coping survivor skills and exchanging lies for the truth of His Word. My choices have also affected those I love and my relationships. Like my Mom, I had buried some deep things God graciously brought into the light of HIS love.
After that weekend with my Mom, we promised to call every week. I wasn’t sure how things would go. That first phone call was nerve racking! What do we talk about? What if she doesn’t remember our visit or me?
I dialed her number, her hubby answered, and he switched it to a video call. As soon as she saw my face, she broke into a pure beautiful smile and called me by my name! My heart overflowed. The Holy Spirit whispered; I am the God who sees you.
Those weekly calls aren't long talks and honestly every week it’s about the same. But every week she knows who I am and calls me by name! I can’t even express how much that means.
It wasn’t long before her husband started talking about coming to visit us here before her dementia progresses and traveling would be out of the question. I was cautious yet excited.
As July came, we made plans for their visit at the end of August. Oh, did I have a honey do list! I wanted everything to be perfect. After all, it isn’t every day that my mom would visit, along with meeting our children and grandchildren for the very first time!
One sunny Saturday leading up to her visit I ended up spraining my ankle and heel. I had to stay off my feet, other than working, for 8 weeks. My cleaning and preparation list went out the window. My usual way of dealing with stress, aka cleaning & keeping busy, wasn’t an option. Instead of frenzy, it became a time of rest —reflecting and allowing God to gently open my heart while I was feeling vulnerable. Mom and her husband weren’t coming to see our home or how perfect everything appeared. They were coming to see us!
Although my siblings and I haven’t been together since March, we continue to stay in contact and have powerful discussions as we navigate this new season in our lives. My brother, Kelly, and I talk about our childhood. This has opened a dialog to talk about our past loss and grief. For Tony, this is just the beginning of him processing his loss of whatever he never really knew.
During this process, I have thought a lot about Joseph from the book of Genesis and how his grief process might have looked. He had been betrayed and abandoned. He was cut off from his brothers and his father and didn’t even know if his father was still living. With each situation he found himself, God never left him. My thoughts swirl around with questions: How did he get through those stages? What was happening with his brothers and his father? How had they processed the events, lies and loss?
Then all those years later they were reunited. They had all changed; they weren’t the same people. Yet God was!! He is not a man that he should lie! He is faithful and true! (Numbers 23:19) And He is in the business of repairing & reconciling!
The Sunday of their visit all our girls and their families came to meet Mom. I had pictured in my mind all of us together: 4 daughters, grandchildren, Mom and myself. And it happened!
After a few short days, they headed home. Their next trip will be at the end of this month to visit my brother Kelly and meet his family. In the short time from March until now Kelly has let go of bitterness and unforgiveness in several memories of our childhood. He is at a place where he can accept Mom where she is.
My mom and I have gotten into a comfortable routine of video chatting every week. Every time she has this moment of recognition, smiles and calls me by name. It is a precious gift that I will hold near to my heart for the rest of my life. My husband and I marvel every time. There aren’t any words to express what we see in her face except pure joy, pure love, and a sense of being set free. Yes, there has been grief and brokenness yet there is also beauty and inexpressible joy. I love Nehemiah 8:10 - The JOY of the Lord is your strength! Joy, a deeply rooted expression of God’s goodness concerning all of us then, now and in the future. Sharing my story has been therapeutic and healing for me and I hope it encourages you. Thank you for sharing in this journey with me.
Trust God with your Dreams
The beginning of a New Year is a natural time in the calendar for setting up new rhythms and routines. It's a time when we dream again and look toward the future. For some it's exhilarating, for others intimidating and we can give up on ourselves quicker than we should.
Our ministry friend, Angelique Burgos, shares with us her journey of tackling big dreams and accomplishing them. May her story be an encouragement for your own story.
If I were to encapsulate my life story in a few words, it would be this quote:
Even in a bad situation there's always a positive side even if you can't see it yet. (Susane Colasanti)
My life has been a story of many bad situations and bad choices. During those times it was difficult to see any good coming out of it.
Fourteen years ago, I encountered a lot of bullying, and I dropped out of high school. I was in a toxic relationship that severely traumatized me, and I did not know how I was going to move forward in life.
As my life spiraled, I met the Lord. At a Friday night service, I gave my life to Jesus. The feeling of love I felt from the Lord was so real and pure I couldn’t contain my emotions. It was a day I will never forget. And I also knew I had a long and painful road ahead of me. I wish I could say my life got easier but unfortunately it did not. There were many ups and downs.
A few years passed and I still didn’t have the confidence to achieve some important life goals.
At age 19 I met the man I would later marry. I shared with him my goal of getting my GED (General Equivalency Degree). He encouraged me so much. I knew I needed to get out of the funk I was in. I began attending a night school that offered classes to get my GED. Sadly, that didn’t t last long. The school was in a bad area of town and there were acts of violence. For student safety, the school shut down. A few months later I tried another school, but I was intimated by the workload and with all the anxiety and mental pressure, I quit. It seemed like failure was following me everywhere I went. The failures were clawing away at my confidence, and I began to believe the lie that I would never get my GED.
In the years that followed, I hit the lowest part of my life.
Fast-forward to 2017, I began the journey toward healing and gave my heart fully to the Lord. He brought my boyfriend and I back together and we were married.
At this point in my life, I felt more confidence than ever. I began my GED journey online. As I focused my mind and began my classes, I found out I was pregnant with our first child. I was so nervous. My mind became focused on my pregnancy. It was not an easy pregnancy. I put my personal goals to the side and focused on this new dynamic of bringing our baby into the world. I gave birth and within a few months I was pregnant again. I couldn’t believe it. I was still recovering from the first pregnancy. Now, more than ever my personal goals were not on my priority list. I gave birth to my second child and thought, “That is it for me.” Boy, was I wrong! A few months later, I was pregnant with my youngest. Yes, you read correctly -- 3 babies in 3 years! At that point I told myself, “I can’t do this anymore. I’m just gonna let these goals go.” I began struggling with thoughts of, “My only worth is in being a mom.”
Being a stay-at-home mom became my identity. I began shutting off the other layers of who I am as a person. I began making excuses as to why I couldn’t achieve my goals and dreams. The scariest part was I was okay with settling for less.
I want to encourage women who feel stuck and limited by their season that you are not bound by your situation. Don’t settle for less. Don’t identify yourself as one layer only. One thing I have learned in this journey is that God will always find a way to encourage and remind you of your purpose!
We created individual dream boards as reminders and encouragement to ourselves for achieving our goals and fulfilling our dreams. I brought my board home and hung it in my room.
Later, as I was reflecting on my dream board, God reminded me I hadn’t included “passing my GED” as one of my goals. I tried reasoning with God, “If you can help me accomplish a good portion of these goals, then I may have the confidence to attempt getting my GED again.” As you can tell I was a half-glass-empty thinker at that time.
And friends, I’m here to tell you God did give me the wisdom and confidence to fulfill a good portion of those goals on that board.
While fighting through these thoughts, I shared with my pastors, Tom & Cathleen Zahradnik, my desire to finish my GED. I owed past school dues to the online school that needed paid to complete my classes. The Lord put it in my pastors’ hearts to pay it in full! (Isn’t God good?) My pastors challenged me to complete my GED before the summer of 2023. I was in shock and afraid. My mom responsibilities of...
I walked by faith. And within five months of hard work and sacrifice I completed my GED! I am now a high school graduate! Not only did I complete my GED, but I was able to walk down the aisle with cap and gown — a dream I didn’t see happening!!!
It wasn’t just the completion of a rough chapter in my life but a beginning of something new.
My next goal is broadcasting a podcast. I want to encourage individuals to take life one day at a time and trust HIM in their everyday lives. Another dream of mine is writing a book about inner healing. I want to share my story and encourage others.
Friends, I encourage you to trust in the Lord. Those dreams, goals, and visions you may have placed on the shelf, I challenge you to bring them out again.
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