Next up in our Journey series we are considering hospitality --- inviting others into our journey and what that can look like. A large looming question many ministry women have is “Should a Pastor invite parishioners over to their home?” I was asked that question while on a women’s ministry panel. My 30 second response time brought out the quick answer of “Absolutely!” Which in hindsight was possibly very discouraging to the one who asked the question. My quick answer possibly annihilated and set her precious heart even more on edge with a sense of obligation and dread in having to open her home. And in that way, my heart hurts for her. If I could roll back the clock and answer that question again my answer would be softer, kinder and more grace filled. If I could sit down with that sweet friend over a cup of coffee I would listen better and hear her story. I understand not everyone is ready to open up their home and let others in. I get that. Our homes are a vulnerable part of us. It’s where we’re real. It’s where we throw our socks down and pile dirty dishes in the sink. This is where others see the me, we and us of our family. It can be scary and intimidating to open up our homes and invite others in. My hubby and I have lived with our home doors pretty open. This hasn’t come without judgement, criticism and even sometimes unkind words thrown in our direction. So, I understand where fear of opening up can be scary. On the flip side, we have many wonderful experiences of friendship, laughter and deep relationship building because we opened our doors to others. Here’s what I’ve learned from practicing hospitality. 1. No need for perfection– Two things happen when we strive for this standard.
2. Serve a family favorite meal. – This I have learned the hard way. I’ve tried new recipes out on guests, and they’ve flopped. I’ve tried to impress, and it doesn’t bode well for me. So instead, I stick with the tried and true. I prepare food my family loves and have prepared often. I’m comfortable in making it and I know my family will eat it! 3. Opening our home opens a door of conversation – Our homes invite others to see what’s important to us.
If the only time people in our congregations see us is on Sunday mornings, they get a false impression of how we live. They see us only in our dressed-up Sunday smiles with our handshake/hug greetings. Opening our home invites others to see us in our living space, they see a bit of our real life and how we live. In ministry, we are called to journey with others through life. We live through job losses and transitions, weddings and divorce, baby beginnings and saying good-bye to loved ones. It’s a journey of life together. Yet it’s hard to journey with others if we only travel together on Sunday mornings. We can preach how to live on Sunday mornings but when we invite them into our homes, we’re showing how to live Jesus in our everyday lives. My home is where I live real with my kids… live real with my spouse and live real with socks on the floor and food on the table. This is how our lives show Jesus in our everyday world. Opening our homes to others is about sharing time with them in the living room of our lives. Our feet rest casually on the coffee table, and we share stories and thoughts without interruption from a waitress or the noise of the restaurant. We simply enjoy the company of others and share our lives together. As Pastors are we required to have parishioners in our home? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Do I think it’s a great way of inviting others in and living real with those we journey alongside? ABSOLUTELY! We’re not called to live in a perfect house or be a perfect hostess. Instead, we invite others to live real with us as we journey life together. Questions to consider:
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I’ve always considered summer to be a natural and perfect time for rejuvenating the body, mind, and soul. The weather is warmer, the days are longer, and the schedules have potential for quieter days. It’s the perfect time to consider some creative and even low-budget ways to spend those moments in rejuvenating your journey. Need a place to get away but don’t have a lot of time or resources? Have you considered our Network’s Retreat Center? As a credential holder of the NY Ministry Network, you get one FREE night a year at our retreat center ~ The HILLS of Windsor.
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One of my favorite things about ministry life is the journey. My husband, Dave, and I often say, "We are meant to do life together." God created us for relationship.
A blessing of being pastors at our church for the last 19 years is the journey we have been able to experience with others. After just a few months at our church, a young couple married. A few years later, we celebrated with them as their first son was born. Over the last 19 years, we have gone on family vacations together and my kids call this family, their family. We have journeyed with them through some fantastic days along with some rough days. We are stronger and better for those times together. It's a blessing to journey with people. The journey holds opportunities to grow together and participate in what God is doing in their lives and ours. Not everyone has stories like this. Not all of our relationships with parishioners will turn into lifelong friendships. In fact, few do. Many of us have ministry journeys filled with rough roads and heartbreaking stories. We are in different seasons and on different highways, yet the faithfulness of God travels with us on all roads and in all seasons. "I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken..." (Psalm 37:25) At the beginning of this new month and the beginning of these amazing summer days, we will be diving deeper into our most current Encourager publication, sharing posts about our journey together. Join us in the upcoming weeks for tips on rejuvenating our journey, preparing financially for our journey, sharing in the retirement journey, and preparing our church for ministering to families and children with special needs. Looking forward to having you join us! Praying blessing on your days and our summer journey together. ~~ Rachel Q In our ministry life, hurtful words can be said that go deeper than we would like to admit. Stereotypes about ministry women have been tossed around over the years and few are helpful. God calls individuals to ministry from a variety of backgrounds to serve in a vast number of avenues. We have varying relationship status’, educational training, gifts and talents along with vocational aspirations. And what really constitutes a “real pastor’s wife” anyways? We are ministry individuals and ministry families in all the ways we find ourselves. Other people’s titles bestowed on us don’t override what God says. God’s plans place us in a variety of situations and give us innumerable opportunities to minister. Don’t be sidetracked by stereotypes, but instead walk in the path God has laid out before you and take in the beauty of the journey He has you on.
place wearing that title. Wow. Talk about applying insult especially from a seasoned pastor’s wife that should have known better. Honestly, it took time to get over that comment. Every day the enemy would bring it up as I made my way to work. I worked a job so we could be in ministry. For insurance. For groceries. For rent. My husband worked an early morning job plus hours at the church. So why couldn’t I hold the title of pastor’s wife? I struggled --- a bitter root took hold. I had a BA from Bible College. I worked a job renting used furniture and appliances. I never took my purse to work for fear of roaches coming home with me! We ate so many meals of ramen noodles that I cringe when I walk by them today. All for a call.
Something shared during these times might spark a common interest or a connection of the heart so when there is a time of need we can reach out for prayer and support! So wherever the ministry life finds you or if you’re asking the question “Am I a real pastor’s wife?” Know you are not alone. You matter more than you think! You need friendships and connections so you can thrive in your life and relationships. YOU are the REAL deal, friend, and there are other REAL-DEAL friends waiting for connection like you. Take a chance, connect with others and you will both be better for that step taken toward connection. You are chosen by God. You belong and you are not alone.
“Have you thought about what will happen if this next treatment doesn’t work?” We held each other a little tighter as Paul’s doctor tenderly continued, “You taught your children how to live well; now you must teach them how to die well.” My husband Paul battled Multiple Myeloma cancer for three painful years. People often remarked on our faith in God and deep love for each other. I teased through tears more than once that everyone wants to be me. Okay, maybe they didn’t want to be me, but everyone longs for the deep love and tenderness the harsh cancer journey gave us. Forty years of “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health” ended on March 4, 2020 as Paul’s faith became reality. No one wants to be me now. When someone you love dies, the hole they leave is enormous. The sorrow, the waves of grief cannot be measured. Losing your husband—that’s an awkward phrase -- I didn’t misplace Paul. Losing your husband is an earthquake of epic proportions. When your husband dies, everything changes. Everything. The world as you know it ceases to exist. A lifetime of “two becoming one” is instantly shattered. From when you first wake up in that huge bed all alone till you lay your head on it again and pray for sleep. Nothing will ever be the same again. Not the mundane tasks of getting a cup of morning coffee—”Do you want one, babe?” Nor the intimacy of bumping into each other in the bathroom as you brush your teeth. Widows talk about loss of identity—if I’m not Paul’s wife, who am I? You are suddenly out of step with the universe, trying to find yourself, find your footing, find your place. Paul was my super-power. One glance from him, and I could scale tall buildings in a single-bound. Life was certain; I was certain. For ministry wives, this loss of identity can come with a very real loss of income, loss of home, even loss of your home church. Every day you discover something new that you lost. And you are now responsible for everything--finances, planning, family, spiritual life. If only I could remember where I set my keys. Our adult children worried about me. They have never known a universe without Paul and I together. I have been known to not sleep when Paul traveled, working through the night to refinish a piece of furniture, paint a room, write a paper. My daughter said, “You don’t have to grieve perfectly, mom.” Oh, but I did. Of course, I won’t do it perfectly, but I must grieve and live in a way that honors the life and love Paul and I shared, that honors our faith and trust in God. If I want to teach my children how to grieve well, I must grieve well myself. But where do I begin? As the fog began to lift, I began to journal. So much of my writing reminds me of David’s Psalms—beginning so pitifully, yearning to find God’s goodness, but always ending with hope. My first entry began, “This morning I’m thinking of all the things I hate, like signing my name alone. ‘Happy Birthday from Paul and Julie’ just feels right. ‘Happy Birthday from Julie’ is so lacking, so small, so exposed. I feel so lacking, so small, so exposed, so vulnerable.” In that place of honesty, gratitude for our life seeped in. And in that place of gratitude, God began to speak a future hope. “Some things you just can’t have without sorrow and loss. Joy of finding the lost sheep, the lost coin, the lost son. Without the loss, you don’t know the joy of finding. What joys await me? What joys will I find on this journey?” When Paul was first diagnosed with cancer and the earth began to shake under my feet, I said, “We’ve got this, babe. All we have to do is live like we say we believe.” Now without Paul, I’ve had to go back with my Bible and journal in hand to recheck my foundations-- all that I believe about God’s goodness, His ability to heal, His calling, His resurrection power. Jesus, the same yesterday, today, & forever—a firm foundation. I’ve read everything I could find on grief. I appreciate most the many books and articles by widows on everything from grieving to legal issues and finances. I find myself in their stories. I joined a widow’s group on Facebook. Welcome to the group no one wants to join.
Some of the best advice I read was to choose a board of directors, an advisory panel to help me grow in my competence as a single person. My board includes godly widows, a person with financial wisdom, a practical friend, an encourager, a person with spiritual discernment, and a relative whose priority is my well-being. They don’t all know they are on my BOD, but I’m thankful for their advice and encouragement. Someone said, we are all grief adjacent until we are grief stricken. If you are grief adjacent, reach out to the brokenhearted—listen to their stories, embrace their tears. Even if it feels awkward, mention their loved one, share a memory, tell how they mattered. A friend just wrote on Facebook, “I miss Paul, what an amazing man. I loved seeing you two together.” What simple, healing words those are. For the grievers, the brokenhearted, you didn’t choose this journey, but you can choose how you move forward. While your grief is as individual as your fingerprint, the same God who stamped your fingerprint knew this day was coming—and He prepared you for this moment. As you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, cling to Jesus, and you will discover, as Mother Theresa said, there are treasures in the darkness. Jesus, the greatest treasure, will Himself comfort you and His Word will be a light to your path. |